It’s an election year and I’m already overwhelmed – how can I stay engaged and hold on to hope ?

Dear Calling In, 

The world is really bleak right now and I’m struggling. I try to follow what’s going on and do what I can–I give money, participate in text banking and talk to friends– but this doesn’t feel like enough.  It’s an election year and I’m already overwhelmed – how can I stay engaged in the fight and hold on to my hope when things are as rough as they are right now?

In gratitude,
Why Bother


Dear Why Bother:

Thank you so much for this question–it’s very relatable for a lot of us!  As white people, it’s so important to be real about when we’re burned out or overwhelmed, and find our resilience. It sounds like you’re stuck trying to find actions that are meaningful and feeling hope or energy for the future. You may want to look for resources or people who can help you explore why you’re stuck. Sometimes, we need to grieve the impacts of white supremacy on ourselves and others in order to stay in the fight. There’s wisdom in resting and going inward—not to escape, but so we can return.

We also want to honor what ancestral and indigenous wisdom has been teaching us for generations: that healing and joy are essential elements of liberation. Another thing to consider is how connected you feel to the efforts you're engaged with? Taking action in the context of community and building relationships helps our actions stay anchored in connection. Reflect on the ways you’re working for justice. Where does it feel joyful or inviting to slow down and get to know the people working for justice alongside you? Metabolizing our angst this election year will rely on our ability to stay connected to friends, nature, our body’s lessons, and all the activities that give us joy. 

Big appreciation and <3 
Calling In 

I’m not Jewish. How can I talk about Israel + Palestine?

Dear Calling In, 

As a white woman who does not identify as Jewish, I am struggling so much right now. I tried to talk about Israel's actions and got a lot of pushback from a white Jewish friend. She isn't speaking to me now. I am so devastated. I don't know how to show up in these spaces without alienating people. Help!

In gratitude,
Devastated


Dear Devastated:

This is a very challenging time for all of us - we are witnessing huge acts of violence in the world and finding our voice is never easy. Great job for wanting to speak up. There is no better way to learn how to call someone in than to simply do it. And even when we say everything from a place of care - we may end up hurting someone's feelings or alienating them politically. 

When we claim our truth, whether it be supporting Black Lives Matter or Ceasefire Now, we are making ourselves vulnerable. That's why we recommend starting with empathy and curiosity. If you are talking to white Jewish people, you could ask them how they are doing and what they need to feel supported. Similarly, you can ask non-Jewish friends about their hearts and how they are doing. And remember that a lot of Zionist support actually comes from evangelical Christians. 

Another place for you to be curious is to consider what Israel means to people. Perhaps asking that question will help you understand why and how some Jewish people feel so connected to Israel. Go slowly. Conversations about settler colonialism and white supremacy don't happen in a neat 60-minute time frame. Deepening our understanding of one another's perspective may take many weeks. I would also recommend listening to the voices of Palestinians and asking your white Jewish friends what they feel and think when they listen to those who are suffering.

Lastly, remember to keep listening to yourself and having compassion for yourself. What are you feeling in this moment? How can you offer yourself more compassion right now so that you can continue to speak your authentic truth to yourself and others? Just like they say on airplanes– put on your own oxygen mask first. If you don’t have compassion for yourself and your own suffering in this moment, then it will be hard to have authentic compassion for others. 

Big appreciation and <3 
Calling In 

How to help my best friend see whiteness?

Dear Calling In, 

My best friend and I are both gender queer and actively organizing in social justice spaces related to LGBT advocacy and queerness. We work really hard to bring the community together around gender queerness and trans rights. And our spaces are so white! We don't seem to attract people of color because our messaging and network is also super white. When I ask them about working with me to integrate racial justice and de-center whiteness, they get defensive and remark that BIPOC folks prefer their own spaces, not coming into super white spaces. I am frustrated that my friend doesn't think about whiteness regardless of who is in the room. Can you help?

In gratitude,
Frustrated


Dear Frustrated:

Thank you so much for this question!  

Often white people are most keenly aware of race when people of color are present. It's very easy to forget the significance of race when we are in a room with all white people. Your organizing partner seems unaware of how race and racism show up with a group of all white people.

Intersectionality is key–our goals and strategies can become "colorblind" if we fail to consider communities of color and how their lives are impacted by the issues we are organizing for. Whiteness can show up in where you hold events, whose partnerships you seek out, which policies or issues we advocate for, how we run our meetings, where we seek funding.

We know QTPOC folks are struggling to find resources and support for their work and it may be necessary for you to share with your partner some examples of the work that is being done by and for folks of color.

Big appreciation and <3 
Calling In 

What if I don't identify as a woman?

Dear Calling In, 

I just wanted to share that as a person who doesn’t really identify as a woman, it has felt a little hard for me to connect with this program because of its title (despite the fact that you say clearly and beautifully that genderqueer people are also welcome!) This may just mean it’s not the space for me, which is totally ok, but just wanted to inquire whether y’all have considered shifting the title or if it feels important to keep as is?

In gratitude,
Not a Woman 


Dear Not a Woman:

Thank you so much for this question!  

Since our Finding Freedom workshop is explicitly about socialization into white womanhood, and because white supremacy thrives when things go unspoken, we decided it's important for us to name “white women” in the title. 

That said, we recognize that the title doesn't make clear that white genderqueer folks and mixed-race people are also welcome. We know nonbinary and genderqueer folks are often pushed to hide or downplay our identities in order to “fit in,” even in supposedly welcoming spaces. The same goes for white-presenting people of color.

Socialization into white womanhood looks different for our participants--and our facilitators--based on not only our gender and race but also our class, religion, disability, sexual orientation, location, national origin, and other factors. That means that many workshop participants enter with life experiences and identities outside what's seen as the norm.

It also means that We Are Finding Freedom is committed to welcoming participants with all of our intersecting identities. Many genderqueer and multiracial people have benefited from participating in our workshops. We welcome your participation! 

The course and the title pose the question: Do you have a desire to explore your experience at the intersection between internalized white supremacy and gender socialization? If so, you’ll get a lot out of it. Leaning into discomfort in the service of unpacking racial justice is a good muscle for white people to build. Your participation in this workshop could be that practice.

Big appreciation and <3 
Calling In 

How to call in BIPOC?

Dear Calling In, 

I was recently in a racial justice oriented space where a Black person in the group said something sexist. As a white person in that space, I felt so uncomfortable and unclear about what to say or do in response. How can we call BIPOC in as well if we hear or see something that we don’t think is right? 

In gratitude,
So Uncomfortable 


Dear So Uncomfortable:

Thanks for this question. Intersectionality is such a key understanding for our work for social justice!

We like to remind each other that we all have complex identities. As a white person it can definitely feel uncomfortable to call in BIPOC on their sexism, homophobia or transphobia. I would approach it with the frame of collective liberation and anti-oppression being for all of us. When we exclude queer people, for example, we will inevitably leave out BIPOC.

I would start with “ouch.” You can remind this person that this space you’re sharing (or organization or team or church) is working on getting all of us free together. It may feel good to acknowledge that, while you’re gathered to work on racial justice, all systems of oppression are connected and that it feels important to your work together to keep that in mind. You can also invite questions: How can we work in solidarity to recognize our mutual interest? 

As a white person, this is an opportunity for you to practice building resilience around discomfort. How can you support yourself before, during and after this moment of calling in? Perhaps you could debrief afterwards with a trusted white person who can offer you empathy and accountability and help process your feelings about it. Or take a moment for yourself after the exchange to rest and recharge. 

It’s also important that we recognize these moments where one form of oppression is pitted against another. The opposition sees intersectionality and drives a wedge between us. We can work to prevent ourselves from being divided by taking time to lovingly connect the dots for ourselves and others. 

Big appreciation and <3 
Calling In 

Should white people celebrate Thanksgiving?

Dear Calling In, 

It's that time of the year again, and I still don't know how to approach Thanksgiving! It feels hard to ignore the holiday completely because it's so engrained in our culture and because I (sometimes) do want to see family. But it also feels deeply unpleasant and difficult to just go along with things. I don't want to pretend this is an innocuous holiday. 

In gratitude,
Don't want to pretend


Dear Don't want to pretend:

We gather to perform our family gratitudes. The tradition is codified in cranberry sauce; either our wondrous recipes passed down through generations on faded yellow paper, or that perfect magenta glob landing in a bowl, remarkably preserving the ridge lines from that aluminum container. Either way, we all have our Thanksgiving traditions.

For as long as I can remember, I have been ruining Thanksgiving. From that very first time, in 1977, sitting at a table of 16 people, I asked my entire extended family “why are we celebrating the death of so many people whose bodies our homes are built on top of?” As a ten-year-old, I didn’t understand how my elders were making sense of Thanksgiving. It seemed more like Holocaust Remembrance Day to me.

You can imagine, the speed with which my question was dealt with - "it’s about family and aren’t you grateful for your life, and look at your aunt’s delicious Turkey and your mother’s string beans with almonds: let’s eat." 

We shared these toolkits with you last year, and we suspect you are again asking yourself what can be different this year. 

3 Ways to Decolonize Thanksgiving 
Rethinking 'Thanksgiving' Toolkit

This year, we can perform a different kind of family ritual. Organize some people ahead of time. Try not to work alone. 

Keep the pie, enjoy whichever cranberry sauce you like and inspire some substantive conversation. Here are some topics:

• Discuss/research the land you’re sitting on. What tribal lands are you sitting on currently? What local indigenous organizations exist? What do you collectively know about these indigenous communities? Everyone could use their phone for 10 minutes and do some data gathering.

• What repair is possible between your family and the communities who were removed from the land? What reparation could be made to the people or communities that were exploited so that we could live? Our ancestors could buy, farm, invest. What is possible? What commitment could your family make to invest in Thanksgiving reparations annually? 

• How has your life been made possible because of the labor or sacrifice of others? People of color? Ancestors? To which communities can you express gratitude? Who are the invisible workers that you may not even recognize as the people who allow for your living conditions?

We don’t need to make uncomfortable jokes about Thanksgiving, or pretend that we don’t know what else to do. 

We can show up and call in a different conversation. As the ceremony of going around the table begins, you can do the internal work of being ready. When it comes to you, you can express gratitude for the white people working to better understand racism, for the indigenous people asking for repair, for your trust that your community or family will have the courage to reimagine Thanksgiving together. 

Big appreciation and <3 
Calling In 

How to call in white men?

Dear Calling In, 

Recently I was confronted with discomfort I could not discern in my body. I was speaking to a movement elder with decades of experience organizing over an array of organizations and locations. They were sharing their story and relying on me for comfort and navigating a space not aligned with their physical mobility. Yet, something was not sitting right with me! I found myself unable to process what was standing in my way - their identity as an older, white, straight male, or an authentic discomfort.

This has me torn up -- white supremacy culture once again getting in the way of me diving fully into right relationship. If the work is of calling in, to create belong, how do we heal these (often very justified for our survival) wounds and walls around white men? How am I truly able to welcome someone into movement if I cannot convince myself internal reality that they belong?

In gratitude,
Curious and Confused


Dear Curious and Confused:

As I read your words, I reflected on all the ways our communities encourage us to judge each other’s journey or identities. I also thought about how all of us who are not cis white men have been taught to keep them comfortable and cared for at the expense of ourselves, our limits and our own liberation.

White cis men are being called to show up in ways they have not been taught to show up. They’ve heard mixed messages to “step back” “do something!” “retire!” “show up” and often do not yet have the skills to sit in discomfort and grapple with the complexity in those messages. That is their work to do, not yours. 

But just like the rest of us, white men need to learn in community how to shed their own grief and hurt so they can be more effective comrades. I think it’s our work to support and challenge one another to show up in all the ways that move racial justice forward. 

So this is yet another complexity for us to hold. My question to you is: How might you welcome cis white men into community and belonging while maintaining your own boundaries, and letting go of any need you feel to protect them or do their work for them? 

Big appreciation and <3 
Calling In 

Am I Too Old to Fight for Racial Justice?

Dear Calling In, 

After a lifetime of not really taking it seriously, I feel embarrassed that I'm only now starting to think about racial justice. I'm in my 70s and feel bad that I haven't engaged in this work before now. I feel really behind and slow to learn, compared to all the young people involved in the fight for racial justice. 

signed,
Am I Too Old? 


Dear Am I Too Old:

Thank you for asking such a vulnerable question. It sounds like you're feeling some guilt about not having shown up earlier on your journey. It's normal to feel bad when we start really seeing the impact of racism. 

And, it’s really important to remember that racism is a system. Institutionally, culturally and interpersonally, white supremacy culture has been working hard for centuries to keep white people ignorant and defensive.

As white people, we're socialized to not notice race. For many decades, families and schools, television and other media have downplayed race and racism and kept us from really learning about the lives of people of color.

The best time to start doing racial justice work is now. And the best way to show up now is to find other white people you can talk to about racism, process any shame you're feeling, and start taking action. As Kari Points likes to say, “racial justice work is grief work.”

You could circle up with some other white folks of your generation and talk about how different things are today. And you could also step into intergenerational circles, where many of us are finding support and accountability to do this work. 

Big appreciation and <3 
Calling In 

Speak Up or Step Back

Dear Calling In, 

When I'm in multi-racial spaces I often don't know when to speak up and when to step back and let POC have more space. How should I negotiate this? 

Ugh,
Speak Up or Step Back


Dear Speak Up or Step Back:

This is a great awareness. I've found that context is key and can vary widely from space to space. For us as white women and genderqueer people, we often work hard to find our power to speak up in white, male-dominated spaces. But the power dynamics are different in multiracial spaces. That means we need to be aware and adjust how we're showing up.

I would ask you to consider your comfort zone - are you used to taking the lead, being verbal, making smart offerings? Or do you more often stay behind the scenes, quietly watching and waiting? Once you assess how you often show up, you can practice stepping outside of your comfort zone. 

Another big one for me is assessing motivation. Why are you staying quiet or why are you speaking up? How are other white people showing up in the multi-racial space? What would your voice add to the conversation?

 Here are some of the common pitfalls that we white women and gender queer people can fall into:



- rescuing
- deflecting
- defending
- lawyering



I have had to slow down and ask my heart and my gut - why do I want to make an offering? If I’m holding back a piece of wisdom that supports the collective, why? How can I be more vulnerable?



Remember that if you sit back and are silent that can be perceived as being aloof and not invested. Or even judgmental. At the same time, taking up a lot of space with your ideas and questions can be overwhelming for others.

Practice staying aware of all of this in each moment, in each unique context. Work on the balance between speaking out and making space for others to speak out. And you can cultivate compassion for yourself around the difficulty of negotiating these contradictions.

<3 
Calling In 

White Feminism is Trash

Dear Calling In, 

I am frustrated that my white sister talks so adamantly about sexism and how she is the victim of her colleague's and boss's misogyny but she refuses to engage in conversation about racism or white supremacy culture. How can I help her connect the dots?

Thanks,
White Feminism is Trash


Dear White Feminism is Trash,

You sound pretty fed up with your sister. Sometimes when we are really frustrated, we can come across like we are judging. So the first thing I'd advise is to find your compassion for your sister. She is obviously hurting from the crap she's enduring, and it's possible that she needs you to see that and feel that with her before you connect the dots.

Secondly, we have found that intersectional analysis is really helpful with our own journey stories. What helped you connect the dots? How did you come to see all oppressions connected. How could you share some of your journey story with her?

I know that for me, I needed to empty my cup around feeling poked and overlooked as a woman before I could honestly look at my privilege. Keep building relationship, and see where there are opportunities to join with your sister around those hurts. Then, the work of connecting sexism to patriarchy to racism is possible. After all, the conditions that create political and social hierarchies are the same - bias, fear, and a need to control. 

Thanks for your question! 

<3 
Calling In